In fourth grade, I received two C’s on my midterm report card. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but this was exacerbated by the fact that my parents asked what happened. I had seen how my brother would get certain things taken away if his grades weren’t up to snuff and I know that didn’t happen to me. From that point on, I dedicated every fiber of my being into achieving in school. At first, I just wanted to perform so that I didn’t have to worry about my parents getting on my back about my grades. By the end of the term, I raised those two C’s to B’s and finished with four A’s and three B’s in my main classes. I was proud to see that hard work paid off and essentially maintained that level of performance for the rest of fourth grade and all of fifth grade.
In sixth grade, we started receiving grade point averages, and my dad presented a challenge for me. If I could get a 3.8 GPA (five A’s and two B’s essentially) for a school quarter, he would give me $100. I got it for two quarters in a row, but missed out on it in the fourth quarter, which caused me a great deal of stress. I got a 3.63 in the fourth quarter and I was actually disappointed in myself because I didn’t get the $100. I honestly thought I might have gotten in trouble because I didn’t reach the benchmark I had set for myself. My mom and dad then explained that they did not want me to achieve success for them, but for myself so that it would be more fulfilling.
I realized that I was causing myself a great deal of distress by worrying about what my parents thought if I didn’t reach a threshold only I created for myself. From that point on, I felt a sense of freedom in what I could do. I started to ask myself, “Well, how far can I take this?” By the beginning of 7th grade, a 3.8 GPA became routine, so much so that my dad stopped giving me $100 about halfway through the year. In 8th grade, I reached a 4.0 GPA for the first time in the third quarter then repeated in the fourth quarter. During these two years, I experienced a great deal of eustress, the moderate or normal psychological stress interpreted as being beneficial for the experiencer.
Eustress is necessary for productivity. It is basically the act of welcoming a challenge and having the confidence of knowing you can overcome it as long as you put in the work. Distress, in my experience, stems from worrying too much about things you cannot control. In high school, I experienced distress not so much from academics, but from social dynamics and athletics. I’m not very socially awkward, but you start to experience a great deal of distress when you try to figure out how to approach talking to your crush because you fear how much they may interpret anything you say. You have no control how they interpret it, but you worry about it any way and you can’t get out of your own head.
I played basketball for a long time, but I quit after my sophomore year of high school because I simply didn’t enjoy it anymore. It became way too serious for me. I love to compete and I hate losing, but win or lose, you have to leave it on the court. I knew I wasn’t going to play basketball in college, so I did not see the point in being criticized or berated about my play. I started to hate going to practice because I only experienced the distress of worrying about underperforming. That’s just me. My brother, on the other hand, seemed to have a great deal of eustress about improving his play and becoming the best player he could possibly be.
However, there are periods of time where you seem to only have eustress and little to no distress. This is the sweet spot for productive human beings. This is better than cocaine. This is called Flow. If the goal of Buddhism is to be one with everything, the goal of Flow is to be one with productivity in everything you do. It’s when you feel as if everything is going your way due to your hard work. Now, some of that is due to good fortune but a lot of it can be attributed to your dedication.
I probably achieved my greatest states of flow during my senior year of high school and essentially all of 2017. There were challenges, sure, but I was hitting doubles, triples, and home runs no matter what pitch was thrown at me. I was doing well in the classroom, working out consistently, writing screenplays, and hanging out with friends in my free time. This lasted into the first quarter of 2018 until it all came crashing down when I tore my Achilles tendon in April 2018. What followed was the polar opposite of Flow. I only experienced distress for months, and I realized I was depressed. It was a truly awful experience, but it taught me a lot. In the past, I always told me not to worry about things I could not control, but all those things were temporary. This was permanent. The scar is permanent. The aesthetic difference is permanent. Eventually, I realized I just had to accept this permanent difference about my body and it was something I felt I should not have had to accept because it was simply unfair. And that thought process caused me a great deal of distress.
It wasn’t until October 2018 that I started to experience the smallest shred of eustress again. I essentially went five months without that feeling, but an old friend helped light that eustress fire: School. I had assignments that I needed to complete so that I could graduate early, a goal I wanted to achieve ever since I heard of AP courses in middle school. Did I achieve a state of Flow? No, not really. I could argue I was in a state of Flow around summer 2019 or late fall 2019, but these were brief two or three week spurts. Maybe that’s what Flow will be for me in the future. I’m not sure if I will experience the 2017 Flow again, but I know that it’s certainly possible.
Look, you’re going to experience periods of Flow and depression in your life, but know that you have a degree of control over how long those periods last. That feeling of purpose prevents depression from overwhelming you and helps Flow last a little longer.
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